oh WSU,
   where small minds shattered big dreams...
   Washington State University
   Pullman, Washington
   June 25, 1992

   He Never Returned
   © 1992 by Phil Duran

   tonight
   another sleepless journey
   into a private world
           of indelible memories
   clinging to days long past
           that will never return
           in linear time...
   pursuing fantasies
           like a child  
           who thinks only in perfect space
   endlessly re-shaping
           a more rational future
   from fragments of
           once-reachable dreams
           now shattered

   a Chicanito was born in '36
   into a warm home
           along the border
           & on the north side
           like all his relatives
   he does not ask "who am I?"
   for the tenderness of motherhood
   and the firmness of fatherhood
   were already his happiness

   with childhood innocence
           that belies tomorrow's irrational realities
   he walked to North Loop School
           "ya me voy, Amá"
           "bueno, m'hijo, que Dios lo acompañe"
   carrying a brown sack lunch 
           con burritos de tortillas de harina 
   filled with brown frijolitos y papitas con chile
           that somehow managed to stay warm
           until lunch time...

   in school he's given a new name   
   some kids ask why his skin is so dark 
   others are amazed that bronze is a real skin color
   his friends invite him home 
   "mom, look at his arms, 
           and they're not sun tanned, either!"
   they mean no harm
   but he washes with white soap anyway
   drinks lots of white milk
   learns English "white" well
   to be accepted 
   and become the spelling bee champ 
   and the English grammar whiz
           "ask Phillip, he knows everything" 

   but what did Mrs. Kelly, 
   the Spanish teacher,
   mean when she said
   he spoke like a "native" 
   as he read Spanish 
           in Spanish class?

   to Mrs. Allen, the English teacher, 
   he was a model student
   except when Mr. Tirres, the custodian,
   had to chase him down
   for those soon-forgotten mischiefs
   of someone so full of life
   and tiny enough to run under the furniture
   and get away

   to coach Nick Gray,
   who jumped up and down
   on his hat with delight
   as the kid
   swooshed past him
   during the relay
   winning for the school
           19 1/2 to 18 1/2
   he was the fastest kid in town

   to principal Vada Gilleland
   who saw him 
   carried on shoulders
   into the school house
   after the track meet
   he was the pride of the school

   they believed in him
   and he believed them 
   when they said he excelled 
   in everything he tried
   so he felt accepted
   and even chased dogs and cars
   to prove his speed.
   he could try anything and win,
   so he dreamed BIG dreams

   to many friends
   he was many things
           "la Pera" for his big nose
           "el Pinguino" for his small size
           "Pito" (beep beep) the fast roadrunner
   Marlene, Darla, Sheila, Vangie, Josie, Rosemary
           many were gavachitas
           and there were crushes...
   Richard Avena
           ol' "Ug"
   a Chicano from Utah
   his best buddy
   liked the occasional fist fights
           in the school yard
   and the pencil-punching 
           in class
   it was all in fun but
   there's a permanent lead mark 
   on the right thigh

   Ysleta High School
   was a non-stop fun trip...
   Aaron Keene, the band director,
   said he was the best trombone
   there were
           friends, friends, friends
           the Swingsters dance band
           the dances and the hi-fi's
           both Dorseys at the senior prom
                   (few will believe it)
           Benny Goodman, Glenn Miller, Dave Brubeck, 
           Ray Anthony, Nat King Cole...
   the drive-in movies 
   the debates
   the weight lifting at the CYO

   they taught him to be proud 
           of the stars and stripes
   as he learned about American heroism
           the Texas Rangers?
           the Lone Star State?
           the Alamo?
           George Washington?
           the war for independence?
   he did not learn about 
           manifest destiny
   which won the West
   at the expense of his people
   who made America rich
   then became dispossessed wanderers
   in a country that soon forgot them

   his straight "A"s
   placed him on the honor roll
           despite that "D" in Spanish
           for the oral book report
           on Don Quixote which was too hard.
   his teachers and classmates said 
   he would become a great scientist 
   some day...
           so the thought stayed with him 
           through college.

   with college degrees
   he breathed academic freedom 
           for a while
   doing research
   teaching physics, math, comp sci 
           (introduced the first course)
   they said he needed the Ph.D.
   while those tenured retired colonels 
   had it made
   teaching elementary math courses
           with no plans for research 
           or professional development...
   and there were colleagues who said
   they had never met a Mexican worth his salt
   and he wasn't even Mexican

   Lewis Hatch
   Dean of Science
   a good man, a WSU alumnus
   (how ironic)
   wrote him a letter promising tenure
   upon returning with the Ph.D.

   so he ventured northwestward
   from Aztlán
   seeking an oasis for his hungry mind
   refreshing fountains of institutional hospitality
   open trails to the American dream
   expecting to return SOON
   to his reserved seat in academia

   but he found himself trapped 
   in a labyrinth of 
   power structures, glass ceilings
   where
   ALL HIS DREAMS VANISHED
   without warning in the 
   in the weird world of wazzu/WSU
           on the peaks of the palouse
   a land alien to his cultural senses

   oh, if only naivete 
   had not lingered so long
   and awareness arrived sooner
   in this never-never land where
           dreams remain incomplete
           & minds go to waste
   where ideas 
           seeking freedom
           are strangled 
   by powerful egos 
   that pulverize pursuits 
   and humiliate humanity
   all in the name of institutional excellence

   he sought assistance from 
   the holders of the public's trust
           & expected to be heard
   those eloquent proclaimers
           of righteous rhetoric
   with high titles
   advocated only for themselves

   presidents
           provosts
                   vice provosts
   AAO                     ombudsmen
           AGO                     deans
                   HRC                             directors
                           OFCCP
                                   HEPB
   congressmen
             justice department 

   but they're the ones who fired the shots
   which killed his career
           (but not all)

   they
           condoned
           betrayed
           concealed
           presumed
           pretended

   meanwhile
   a community of raza brotherhood
   knowing nothing
   caring little
   continuing to trust
   as he once did
   unaware of facts concealed
           slept through it all

   tonight
   a salty stream
   silently dampens a pillow
   in a private world of
           useless anger 
           endless questions
           pain of memory
   as  the sober throbs 
   of a conscious heart beat
   like the sound of drums
   tauntingly seem to announce defeat 
   beckoning him to surrender
   and lose his spirit
   as though he could be destroyed

   but he has not bowed
   to a society that 
   grants destructive power
           to mediocre minds
   then rewards their misdeeds
           with even more power
   and sanctions their immunity 
   from public shame 
   mysteriously 
   calling it
   "a job well done"
   while promoting & ingratiating themselves
   thinking they have defeated 
   one more Indio/Chicano


   he has survived!
           he has survived!
   in his own country
            on his own land
   where natives welcomed strangers
   who now reject his kind

   the dreams of promise
   so alive in earlier days
   faded away 
           FOREVER

   so don't look for him in academia...
   HE NEVER RETURNED